Ways the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Could Be More Arousing

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The Victoria Secret Fashion Show isn’t for me. I get that and like it. It’s a glitzy, flashy, celebration of sexy extravagance that’s expertly and concisely put together. My TV seems clearer and at least four inches bigger. That’s the only thing. It arouses my interest, but not that much interest, and that’s good. It’s great for the people that are meant to enjoy it, but like a bra before VS came along, there are a few things that could perk it up.

First off, the off-the-runway content needs to be improved.

The ladies obviously look incredible, but I want to go beyond the bra and focus on intelligence assets. For example, was that deserted island business serious in the first break from the runway? I did the deserted island ice breaker at Church Sunday School in 3rd grade. This is the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Unless Benhati’s talking about what she would do with Adam Levine at sunset, I don’t care if you’d bring music or drink mix, hehehe.

I would enjoy watching the ladies exchange (Victoria’s) Secret Santa gifts while wearing the VS holiday collection, though. Maybe it’s a PINK Elephant Secret Santa where they exchange funny gifts, or PINK underwear from panties-styles past. What do supermodels get each other as gifts anyway? I have no idea. (If I had to guess, I think espresso makers, bracelets from a friend’s new line, and iPads would be high on the list).

I’d also like to know what nicknames the models have for each other and how they got them. I imagine they’re more creative and interesting than most athlete nicknames (D-Rose, for instance) Pelican’s Center Anthony Davis is the “The Unibrow”. Does Cara Delevingne have a similar brow-related name?

New Orleans Pelicans New Uniform

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Speaking of Cara, the social media portion of the show had its moments, especially when highlighting Ms. Cara’s social fierceness. “Life’s too short for Insta-fails.” That was #excellent. What are some of the other ladies’ life mottos? What does YOLO mean to them?

Can any of these ladies sing? None mentioned it in their secret talents for Esquire, but some T-swift/Karlie Kloss karaoke to Natalie Imbrulia’s torn would have been entertaining. (How happy is T-Swift that the fashion show is over and she can take a day off from the gym, BTW. Holy cats was she ripped.)

I could even go for some first kiss conversation. This would have been great after that curly-haired love song guy. Or love song karaoke with Taylor and the curly guy! You have to follow up on the romantic mood there VS.

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This all came to mind when the models went Zoolander and showed off their “sexy” looks. (“That was fun!” I thought.) I don’t really care which of these alternate filler content approaches goes down in 2014, but I want to see some personality cleavage, and the deserted island needs to stay deserted.

Next up, I’d like to see the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show become even more of an event. Let’s expand the show to an hour and a half, add 2-3 of the personality features already mentioned, and then sprinkle in a few more wrinkles to make the show into a sexiness spectacular the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremony committee would be proud of. For example:

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Cameos from past models should be integrated. Just because Heidi wasn’t on the catwalk this year doesn’t mean she has to be exiled from the action. I missed some of the old guard. Right before the ending with all the wings, let’s get a quick cut to Heidi eating buffalo wings saying: “I love the wings. Enjoy every second of your special walk ladies.” There could be a special video feature with Tyra Banks and Natalie Portman fake making out Black Swan- style wearing VS Playful Panties (or some more culturally relevant movie reference).

The behind-the-scene stuff where you can hear the producers/coordinators etc. was especially cool. I’d like a flashback to the creative brainstorms where they talk about which outfits are going to be featured. “I think we should do a big cats of the jungle theme. No! I’ve got it. We’re doing birds of paradise!”

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Can we get the fans a little more involved, too? Maybe there are (Victoria’s) Secret admirer notes under a few select fans seats which are quickly read aloud, ending with one for Adam Levine of course!

On a different note, has there even been a fashion show drinking game created? Every big event needs a drinking game. I Googled it and found a few. They’re pretty complicated, though. Here’s a quick one for next year:

  • When your fave model pops up: Drink
  • When a Victoria’s Secret commercial plays: Chug until the end of the commercial
  • Every time they show Adam Levine: Moan, and then shot
  • Every person gets to give out one “Spelling Bee Challenge”. When a model appears on the screen, you can challenge someone you’re watching with to spell her last name. If she gets it wrong, it’s a shot for her. If she gets it right, it’s a double shot for you.
  • At the 30 minute mark, everyone gives her best Blue Steel look. Worst one has to be posted on Instagram.

Finally, let’s let the models improv a little at the end. Maybe a race in heels to the end of the runway. Maybe twerking doing the show instead of after. Maybe Doutzen Kroes has her favorite meal waiting for her backstage and playfully chows down on it. (Papa Johns missed an opportunity doing this fashion show IMO. Anyone that watches football know about Papa and Peyton Manning’s commercials right before the second half of all NFL games. I searched the #VSfashion show hashtag on Instagram during the show and it was a lot of people eating pizza and joking. Husky opportunity missed Papa.) I think there needs to be a little differentiation from each year’s show, and letting the models add a sweet personal touch at the end could help make 2013 unique from 2011.

There’s nothing thong with the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show as it is. I recorded it and watched the whole thing after all. With a few adjustments, however, the show could go from $5 Dream Angels panties to a Rhinestone Tulle Teddy.

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Two 27-Year-Old Men Debate Who’s Hotter: Tom Brady or Kliff Kingsbury?

Love is patient. Love is kind. Real love is raw and uncut. Real love makes you write poems about another man’s butt (more on that in a bit).

We all have eyes. Tom Brady and Kliff Kingsbury are hot men. They’re not just pretty faces, but guys you’d be happy if your sister married. (Ladies: If you’re unfamiliar with Kliff, he’s the Head Football Coach at Texas Tech.) My friend Brock is passionate about Kliff. My friend Ricky daydreams about Tom.

Left: Brock   Right: Rick

Left to right: Brock, Ricky

Up until today, I’ve been the guy gazing helplessly out his frosty train window at his long lost love on the platform, observing two of my friends make their love case for Tom and Kliff from a distance. Quick barbs on social media. Overheard inside jabs in my living room (where the sausage/bun ration was 4:1 btw). Well, this hotness debate train has just pulled into the Big Balls Station. It’s time to get down to brass tacks and find out who’s hotter. Throw some Same Love on your headphones, feel the love and enjoy the debate.

Kliff Kingsbury is hotter, by Brock:

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I was given the assignment of defending Kliff Kingsbury as the best-looking male on the planet. Went to look for one picture, and came to about 45 minutes later. How is it possible to get lost in someone’s eyes whilst wearing sunglasses? The man has every ovary in the state of Texas on lock-down. Ask 10 chicks at Weber Shandwick who the hottest male alive is—9 of them, without hesitation are coming at you with Gosling. Well wouldja look at that? Straight doppleganging that ass. And don’t even get me started on that swoop.

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Tom Brady is hotter, by Ricky:

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When the thought of Tom enters my brain,

My penis goes absolutely insane,

The thought of Brady laying on his back,

Makes my wiener do a jumping jack,

With the face of God and eyes that undress me,

Inside my urethra develops something that’s not pee,

All the man does is win and plow bitches,

When I’m done with him Tom may need some stitches,

Now don’t get it twisted you all know I’m still straight,

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want Tom’s face on a plate,

Although he wears Uggs and may be a tad metro,

His face belongs in my lap while I massage his swooped flow,

My eyes are closed now and I really should wake,

But there’s one fact from this you all need to take,

Thomas Edward Patrick Brady,

Makes me want to literally become a lady.

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Wow, it’s hot in here. Not sure that much screen steam was safe for work. Now that you’ve heard both sides (and probably spent some time on Google Images, who do think is hotter?

S E BrO: These Bros Are Google Legends

It’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You’re giddily typing an update email to your colleagues letting them know your progress before you hop on a flight home. You enjoy being clever, so you end your email with: “Be safe out there tonight, don’t end up like this guy.”

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(This guy is the first bro image that pops up when you type “Blackout Wednesday Bro” into Google Images.)

You hit send, strut out of work and smile knowing you made your boss and maybe a few members of the opp sex thankful for your sense of humor. You never think about that bro in Google images again.

How did he get there, though?! Who else is in this elite SEO brotherhood? Luckily for you, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is a pretty slow work day, so below is a list of the most epic bros who currently pop up in the first five results on Google Images when the following phrases are searched:

Epic College Bro

costume bro

Tuck this costume away for Halloween next year bros.

Flag Football Bro

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If I were a C.E.BrO of any company in the U.S., I would hire this hero immediately after hearing this pre-game flag football speech.

Bro King

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Matt Leinart’s starting somewhere. Still got it.

LAX Bro

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Badgers leading the way. No surprise here.

Beer Pong Bro

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Don’t even think about leaning at this bro’s table.

Bro All Babes Love

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The babe’s behind Google’s algorithm have interesting taste.

Bro Baby

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Game over.

Bro Pimp

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Workout Bro

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Mr. “Curls for the Girls” here Googles himself everyday.

So why are these bros the first images that show up on Google? How do you get there? (or avoid getting there I guess) An SE BrO expert and Manager of Social Intelligence in the real world Bill C. breaks it down in layman’s terms:

“Google bases its algorithm off a few factors, but the major ones include the overall equity of the website the image is featured on, which is partially based on links sent to it from other sites. The keywords used on the page and the image description are also very important. So each of these bros did it right- they named their image accordingly (specifically, by including “bro”), and they were featured on prominent public websites that are regularly linked to. Essentially, if you want to join these bros you’ll have to get real public about your bro-ness.”

May the Google odds be ever in your favor bros.

A Fashion Blog Someone Needs to Start

Big news. I hope you’re sitting down. I am. That’s because I’m pooping. Yep. And if you walk into the bathroom right now, you’re going to see my suede leopard flats and want to ask me where I got them. But you won’t. Because mid-poop conversations with strangers are weird. Unless you’re reading this blog while pooping, which is smart. I pop, lock and squat it at a lot of random places, while wearing a lot of fabulous outfits, and I’m going to tell you about all of them here. I drink a venti double skim chai every morning, so check back for regular updates.

This is the “about” section of your new blog, ladies. It’s called Taking a Chic, and it’s a fashion blog that’s going to make you internet famous.

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I know a lot of you read fashion blogs. I’ve perused a few over the last few months for various reasons myself. They’re pretty. I get the appeal. I think a fashion blog written by a mysterious glamorous pooper is so much better though, for so many reasons. Here are a few of them:

This blog wouldn’t just appeal to women

Of course women would enjoy reading your clever quips and wily H&M/Nordstrom pairings, but there’s so much here for men to love too. Women’s poops are a mystery to guys. For example, these are just a fraction of what I’m curious about:

  • Do women have a favorite work stall?
  • Do they go at the same time everyday?
  • Have they ever sent a pic of a funny looking poop to a friend?
  • Would they ever drop a deuce at the bar?
  • Have they ever pulled any poop-related pranks on their friends?
  • What do they call pooping when telling a friend they just pooped at the bar?
  • Do women say hi to someone washing their hands after loudly farting in the stall?
  • What percentage of likes on my Instagram photos do ladies execute with their pants down?

It’s an easy way to stand out and make a splash

Anyone starting a fashion blog has an uphill battle to compete with the Damsel in Dior’s of the world. To stand out, you have to wipe back-to-front, do things differently so to speak.

I’m stylish, but how do I make the page look like THAT? What site even makes blogs? Fuck.

What girl talks about pooping? No one. How many people poop? Everyone. How many people look as good as you do pooping? No one. Well, maybe a few people, but no one with a blog about pooping.

Blog differentiation problem solved.

You may be thinking: Why couldn’t a man do this blog? I guess they could. It might actually be pretty awesome, and the first men’s fashion blog worth reading. I tried it out for a day and I came up with a few example posts:

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Can probably tighten the ‘ol belt after unloading this one. Wow, I feel light!

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Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl right now y’all. And I’m not just talking about this new Frank & Oak cardi. Cardis are my new jam. So. Damn. Versatile.

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Talk about matching. My Johnston & Murphys are the same color as my poop today!

Not sure it has quite the same crossover appeal. I’m pretty sure girls already know bros update their fantasy team, text photos of their best bowl work, and scroll babes on Insta while on the throne. The man version would be solid, but Taking a Chic would be much more fun/interesting/sexy coming from a hot babe. My fashion credibility would also immediately go down the toilet when everyone realized I’d worn the same jeans every day this week.

You can do it while pooping

Talk about productivity. We know a woman with the bowels to start this blog has ROI to create in the real world. As I showed above, the posts don’t need to be Loch Ness Monster log-long to have an impact. You could easily squeeze out 2-3 posts per week doing your morning constitution.

You already have your about section, name and now a few example posts:

You can easily do posts featuring any new shoes, jeans, jewelry or clutches you’ve recently purchased. Beyond these fabulous product highlights, here are a few post ideas and content themes to start Taking a Chic off strong:

Female poop myths – Basically, just answer any of the questions listed in #2, and add any ones I can’t even imagine. Eventually, readers could send you questions to answer.

Interesting interior design observations – Example post: Hi guys. Check out this awesome bathroom design at my neighborhood sushi place. The green rocks in this stream sink match my Catbird ring! Ok gotta go, someone’s knocking at the door.

Current events – Did you guys see the new Kanye Bound 2 video? It’s a bigger pile of shit than what I’m working on right now, and I had Chipotle last night. What the hell is going on with men these days btw? Kayne is unveiling his new video on Ellen, Kobe is chit-chatting with those basic betches on The View and guys are wearing man-muffs when it’s 45 degrees out. Man up. You virgins probably wouldn’t even send a group text if you broke Randy Marsh’s record and dropped a deuce over 100 courics.

Morning fashion advice – Example post: Being considerate this morning and pooping before work. Do you guys like these new flats? I think they’re kinda cute but I’m on the fence.

Other than that, inspiration can literally strike when your digestive system says so, which is another great benefit to this blog. You don’t need to constantly be thinking of post ideas; your body provides them regularly.

Someone please start this blog. Don’t thank me. The pleasure I get reading from your gems at 9:15 every morning will be enough. I’m sick of playing Words with Friends or scrolling Twitter. I know you’re out there lady. Let’s poop together.