It’s Sunday, and a fresh self-loathing skillet is being served at the “I’ve Let Myself Go Café,” conveniently located on the corner of Hungover and Taking Another Nap Boulevard. True Detective starts in an hour and I’m craving pizza for the seventh straight Sunday. I haven’t really eaten, so I should probably order a large thin crust sausage/pep and graze until bedtime. (I even have fresh Ranch!)I could go workout, grab something free-range from Whole Foods and start the week on the right foot. Nah. Not when you can beat the system. This body is being cuddled by sweaters until June, anyway. Here are five simple ways to feel thinner, no working out required:
1. Turn the heat down in your apartment
The perfect skinny temp is when you barely get goosebumps, feel some nipple turgidity and experience a slight skin tightening. I’ve done a few calculations and your BMI decreases by 0.5 points for every degree colder you make it below 69 degrees. 68° is the perfect temp if you’re in a t-shirt and shorts. Speaking of which…
2. Wear gym shorts and pull them up so your whole knee is exposed
You’ll immediately feel more athletic. Long shorts accentuate the cankles, and cankles generally are a self-esteem depressant. Pulling the shorts up also generally requires folding the waistband back upon itself, which then extends slightly past your gut. It’s the same as doing 50 sit-ups, 25 toe-touches and a set of 1-minute planks.
3. Sit in your recliner fully reclined
Killing a whole flock of birds with one stone here. It stretches your body to its thinnest while putting you in optimum Breaking Bad-marathon position. Also encourages napping. Sunday naps are great.
4. Randomly endorse people on LinkedIn for cool skills
This is obviously less physical, but it might make you feel the best of anything on this list. You could get fancy and make up funny skills to endorse your friends for, but sticking to the ones LinkedIn recommends will do just fine, especially if you spent all Saturday night in a circle, not talking to guys and dancing to Timber.
5. Wear boots
Aloe Blacc is pumping in your Beats. I’m the man, I’m the ma…th’fuck?! Nothing ruins a swaggy walk faster than seeing your small shoes/big gut, Penguin-looking-ass reflection in a storefront window.
Adidas Sambas look sweet on 150-lb center mids in skinny jeans, not on people that enjoy burritos with extra guac everytime they have 6 and a half beers. Throw on some boots, establish a better base and don’t move out of the way for anyone on the sidewalk.
Note: If you’re feeling particularly self-conscious, do the first four things on this list at once. You can then dominate moo shu pork, crab rangoon, General Tso’s and a fortune cookie while still feeling like a cut-up Baby Goose.
Pizza time. YOLO.